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Sunday, May 17, 2009 ISSUE #551

A new speech for Speaker Pelosi
#551    May 17, 2009

    COLUMBUS: President Obama had a tough week. He’s trying to solve health care, global warming, and bankrupt car companies, and all the country wanted to talk about was abortion, taxes and Nancy Pelosi.

    He announced that letting the military conduct the trials for the Gitmo terrorists ain’t such a bad idea after all. He’s working on Pakistan and Afghanistan to convince them to wipe out the Taliban and Al-Qaeda. This week he may decide to let Israel represent us in dealing with Iran. Some of his old supporters say he deserted them, changed his theme from “Yes We Can” to “Four More Years.” He’s trying to pick out a Supreme Court judge to win ‘em back.

    President Obama decided not to release the pictures that might embarrass the military.  Now all we gotta do is get Hollywood to stop releasing pictures that embarrass the country.
    Speaker Nancy Pelosi is in a jam. She’s had a horrible week trying to explain her recollection of top secret meetings with the CIA.  So far she’s failed. So in the interest of peace in Washington, I’ve prepared the following speech for her to give to the nation tomorrow.

    (Speaker Pelosi) “Here’s the honest truth.  The reason I don’t remember any details about those meetings is this: I slept through them. Nobody noticed because my eyes were wide open and I was smiling. My eyes and mouth are welded in this position. I apologize to the CIA and to the country. I finally learned how to stay awake during boring meetings and speeches: every minute or so I jump up and applaud. You may remember I practiced that in January during the President’s address to Congress. I ask your forgiveness.”

    On Sunday President Obama gave a speech at Notre Dame and got an honorary degree. The University invited him in a shrewd attempt to draw attention away from football. They aren’t winning like they used to with Knute Rockne. There were a few protestors, but mostly the students and faculty liked him because 90 percent voted for him. Kinda like that Washington press corps dinner last week.

    Our astronauts fixed up Hubble, made it better than the original and fit for another five or ten years. If every car dealer in the country had a shop crew that skilled, we wouldn’t need any new ones. In fact many of them do, and that’s one reason they ain’t selling as many cars.

    In the Preakness horse race Mine That Bird beat all the colts, but got knocked out by a filly. Rachel Alexandra is the Babe Didrikson Zaharias of horse racing.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

    “...this Texas wildcat Babe Didrikson believes that she can do anything, and the funny part about it is she can. There is none of the sports that she can’t do and do well. She is an athletic marvel... This old Texas girl said she would ride, rope, or play polo against me, and I bet she could beat me in any one of ‘em.”
WA #502, Aug. 7, 1932

    “Rollins College, Winter Park, Florida, wants to give me (an honorary) degree. Now what in the world would I be doing with a degree? A lot of guys that earned ‘em don’t know what to do with ‘em, much less me that wouldn’t know what one was.” WA #621, Nov. 18, 1934

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