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Sunday, December 16, 2007 ISSUE #482

Global warming for a White Christmas

#482, December 16, 2007

COLUMBUS: There was big news this week from Indonesia, and it wasn't a tsunami, although the outcome could be just a calamitous for the U.S.

The other 186 nations had called a conference to arrive at a plan by which the United States would cut greenhouse gas emissions by 25 percent by 2020. At least that was their original intent. But Al Gore flew in to show off the Nobel peace prize he won for global warming, gave a speech and got 'em so riled up they decided a 25 percent reduction ain't enough, make it 40. They took a vote on it, and the vote was 186 to 1, with us being the 1.

Now that's a mighty tall order, for us to cut back 40 percent on anything, let alone emissions. See, down in Atlanta they're running out of water, and with such dire predictions they have not even cut water use 10 percent. We know it's important, but whether it's conserving water or cutting gas, we ain't gonna do it, that's all.

The main argument up to now has been that most of these other 186 countries (where they still walk to work or ride a bicycle) did not want to cut emissions at all. They wanted us to do all the cutting, along with Europe, while they just kept on emitting. Well, last week they compromised. They said, "We will cut back the same as you, as long as you provide all the technology to do the cutting, and give us the money to pay for it." Well, that got wild applause, till the American representative jumped up and said, "I object. I object because we are already fighting a war where we're paying for both sides, and we're broke."

Then came a lone voice from the back of the room, "We seek your leadership, but if for some reason you cannot lead, leave it to the rest of us, and get out of the way." The American was surprised at this offer, and wondered which country could be so generous to take on this tremendous financial burden for the world. Was it Germany? England? Maybe even China with their new wealth?

No, it was Papua New Guinea, whose gross national product would about cover the hotel bill for the conference. And their diplomat was not offering anything; he wasn't seeking our leadership, just our money.

Meanwhile, from Oklahoma to Maine, the ice and snowstorms continued. If you folks huddle up close to keep warm, and only burn a candle when necessary for reading science journals, we'll come up with a solution to this problem way before New Guinea.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

"There's the one thing no nation can ever accuse us of, and that is Secret Diplomacy. Our foreign dealings are an open book, generally a Check Book." WA #45, October 21, 1923

"America has a very unique record. We never lost a war or won a conference." WA #2, December 1922.

"Merry Christmas, my constant readers, both of you. No scandal today. There is some, but it will be more scandalous by tomorrow." DT #121, Dec. 24, 1926

"And to the Senate and the House, a Merry Christmas. May the literacy test never be applied to your constituents." DT#752, Dec. 24, 1928

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