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Monday, June 11, 2007 ISSUE #460

The End

#460, June 11, 2007

COLUMBUS: This was a week of endings. Some happy endings, some not, depending on your point of view.

HBO filmed four different endings for the Sopranos, and didn't use any of them. Viewers were expecting murder, massacre and mayhem, and instead what they got was a tie in soccer.

"Dollar Bill" Jefferson, the Louisiana Congressman, got out on bail and he paid his $100,000 bail bond in cash. I guess the FBI overlooked one of his freezers.

I told you last week Paris Hilton went to jail. Well, the Sheriff let her out, and the next day the Judge put her back in. The Weekly papers never had a chance; even the Dailies were two editions behind. The sheriff blamed it on sickness. You've heard this one already: with Paris constantly crying, moaning, yelling, and cussing , everybody in the jail got sick of her. Tonight I heard on television she suffered from A.D.D. Yea, right. In her case that means Absence of Dad's Discipline.

The Belmont Stakes had a happy ending, happy for everybody but the boys. The filly, Rags to Riches, nosed out Curlin and left the rest of the colts in the dust. In Hollywood half the producers are planning a movie on her, naturally called Rags to Riches. The other half are working on one about Paris Hilton's jail time. They hope to call it Riches to Rags.

Meanwhile, in Kentucky it's not the ending, but the beginning that's messed up. Some fellow down there lives by the theme, "All I know is what I read in Genesis". He claims Earth began just 6000 years ago, not millions, and the Lord created it in a week with a day to spare. As I see it his only mistake was calling it a Museum. If he named it the Genesis Movie, or Genesis Theme Park, why even the scientists would gladly pay $10 to see it. Dinosaurs chasing fruitlessly through the Garden of Eden after Eve would attract 'em. Of course, Adam, being the slower of the species, would have long since met his demise.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

"Money, horse racing and women: three things the boys just can't figure out." DT #2679, March 7, 1935

"Nobody knows where they came from. Everybody looks at their enemies and hopes and prays they didn't come from the same place." WA #139 August 9, 1925

"But that Clarence Darrow! I wouldent debate him on the subject of evolution. Why, we wouldent be over the first part and into the rebuttal till he would have me jumping up on the back of a chair picking fleas off myself." WA #228 April 24, 1927

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