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Saturday, June 26, 2004 ISSUE #324

Weekly Comments: Mr. Clinton's My Life taking all my time

# 324, June 26, 2004

COLUMBUS: I'll keep this short. I know a lot of you folks are speed readers, but there IS a limit. After 957 pages from President Clinton, you'll do well to have any mind left to look over even half a page from this weekly Illiterate Digest.

My wife bought me a copy of "My Life", said it was for my birthday. I'm a slow reader when it comes to books (remember it took me "ten years to get through McGuffey's Fourth Reader"), and I ain't sure I got enough birthdays left to read it all.

So I did what we all do with an impossible reading assignment, start with the pictures. There must be a hundred and fifty pictures.

But not the one I was looking for.

Now mind you, they're good pictures, important and historic pictures. But he could have cut out five hundred pages, added one picture, and sold ten million more books. To Republicans.

But now they'll just wait and buy the memoirs of Jack Ryan, the "almost" Republican Senator from Illinois. If he includes pictures.
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Randall Reeder gives humorous talks as Will Rogers. It is an entertaining look at what life offers, and also reminds people of what really matters.
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Those terrorists in Iraq are threatening to kill three Turks. That radical cleric, Al-Zarquary has been feeling mighty big lately, picking on unarmed, innocent civilians from different countries. But when he irks the Turks, if he knows his history, he's going to learn the difference between war and WAR. But if he let's those fellows go, with a new suit of clothes, a fine meal and a sincere apology, Turkey might let him live till July.

Our television news channels made a discovery this week of historic proportions. To hear them report it, this was the first time anyone ever swore at a Senator. Now if one of those news hounds had asked any Senator up there, he would have learned they get swore at by people a lot more important to 'em than a Vice-President. By Voters.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers: (on Memoirs, and war)

"Memoirs: That's another Cherokee word, means when you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do, that's Memoirs." Saturday Evening Post, March 12, 1932

"There ain't nothing that breaks up homes, country and nations like somebody publishing their memoirs." DT #2615, Dec. 23, 1934

"I never saw it fail. When a man starts selling his memoirs he is about through." Life Magazine, November 23, 1922 (also in "How to be Funny")

"Well, next week we ought to have some wars to talk on. Turkey has been laying off two weeks now." WA #5, Jan. 14, 1923

"War is just like Golf. Once a fellow takes it up he won't let nothing interfere with it." WA #152, Nov. 8, 1925

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