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Sunday, July 06, 2003 ISSUE #280
 

Nigeria in the news; not just in email scams

July 6, 2003

COLUMBUS: This fellow over in Liberia, Charles Taylor, has been causing a ruckus for a few years, and a lot of folks want him to leave the country, including our own President Bush. He's giving Liberia a bad name, nothing at all like what our President Monroe had in mind when he founded the country two hundred years ago.

So today Nigeria stepped in and offered to let President Taylor visit them for a spell. Now on the surface that seems mighty generous of Nigeria, to take this scoundrel off the hands of his own people.

But you've got to watch these offers from Nigeria. I get a couple a month myself, and they sound mighty generous at first. They dangle millions of dollars in front of your face, but they always end up asking for your bank account number and your mothers maiden name.

So if I was Taylor, before accepting any long term deal, I would ask Nigeria what they charge for room and board. He may decide he can do better with the World Court. Their accommodations are free, and might be for life.

President Bush turned 57 today, and is heading to Africa for a week, stopping in Uganda, Senegal, Botswana, South Africa, and yes, Nigeria. George W. is a businessman, so you can be sure he won't accidently let out his bank number.

He is liable to let out a few checks, however, drawn on our US Treasury. But it'll be only a few million dollars and loose change, because Africa don't have many electoral votes.

Here in Ohio, Governor Taft is looking for more revenue to balance the budget. He missed on the $200 million Powerball last night, along with Gray Davis and everyone else. Today he is organizing a posse to go after the $25 million reward on Saddam's head. If he can get both sons, too, he has promised new schools for another one of Ohio's 600 school districts that claim to be poverty stricken.

A few months ago Switzerland, high up in the snow covered Alps, won the world championship of Yachting, and this week it was announced that an oceanfront city, at sea level, Vancouver, will host the Winter Olympics. Does this seem backwards to you?

They do understand, don't they, that "skiing", means downhill, not pulled behind a boat. Vancouver is a wonderful city and it seems better suited for beach volleyball than grand slaloms.

Here in America we celebrated Independence Day, July 4. If you are reading this, it means you survived the holiday. Time magazine devoted a whole issue to one of our Founding Fathers, Ben Franklin. "I" am humbled at the small mention on page 45, and in the same sentence, no less, with our great humorist, Mark Twain. I know that Twain would agree, to be called a Ben Franklin "descendant" is the highest of honors, especially in the absence of DNA evidence.

Our friend and fellow imposter, Ralph Archbold, received a full page. He is "Ben Franklin", an institution in Philadelphia, and an inspiration for all of us other "weirdo" characters.

Historic quotes from Will Rogers:

"(President Herbert) Hoover was the most able, conscientious man, but he just couldn't help worrying about Europe, or China, or Madagascar, or Liberia or somewhere. If he could have let them carry their own load for a while, everything would have been better, but he was what you call a world humanitarian." WA #535, March 26, 1933

"When the Fourth of July and a Sunday come together there just ain't anything to do on Monday but send flowers. Fireworks killed and maimed everybody that had a match. Rip tides in the ocean just wait for a holiday to get their quota, and autos got what was left. About the only sure way to keep from being hurt on the Fourth of July is to participate in one of our heavyweight prize fights." DT #1545, July 6, 1931


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