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Thursday, June 20, 2002 ISSUE #234
 

 

COLUMBUS: Southwest Airlines announced a plan to make passengers pay for all the space they occupy, in case they lap over into the adjoining seat. When I first heard it, I thought "My Lord, they are going back to 1927."

You see, in those days the only scheduled planes were the ones carrying the U. S. mail. Since "I" was always in a hurry to get somewhere, the government let me fly on those planes if I paid by the pound, the same as the mail.

Now, I don't blame Southwest for adopting this old policy. In fact they have always followed another rule from the mail planes: if you want a meal on the flight, pack a lunch.

Then I read the paper again, and they don't say anything about weight, only size. That's a big difference. Just like your carry-on bag has to fit in a certain size box at the ticket counter, you will have to fit in a frame the same size as a seat. If you can't squeeze in, you pay double.

Since weight don't matter, only breadth, I see a big gain for the corset manufacturers. Can you imagine the millions to be made by controlling the corset concession at every airport? It's enough to make John Gotti roll over.

When a fleshy passenger is asked to pay double, why he won't kick on forking over $99 for a corset, if it'll keep him within the confines of his assigned seat and save hundreds of dollars.

You can make a good profit because brand name won't mean a thing. A few ladies may insist on a Maidenform, but by and large, any brand will do, even a Sears Industrial Strength.

Contact your Congressman. Be first in line for the Corset Corner franchise at your local airport. It's a sure fire winner.

Only two things could knock it down... if Mr. Bush is successful at getting everybody to exercise a half hour a day (fat chance), and if McDonalds doubles the price of Super Sizes.

Speaking of our President... last week I told you he would be back in Ohio soon. Well, no sooner had Air Force One left Ohio air space than Laura Bush was on the ground in Cincinnati. And today V-P Dick Cheney was in Dayton. Next week will be a great disappointment if Ohio don't at least get Mr. Rumsfeld or Colin Powell.

Historical quote from Will Rogers: (this is a classic on Corsets)

"(Corset manufacturing is) an essential industry. Just imagine, if you can, if the flesh of this country were allowed to wander around promiscuously! Why, there ain't no telling where it would wind up. There has got to be a gathering or a get_together place for everything in this world, so, when our human bodies get beyond our control, why we have to call on some mechanical force to help assemble them and bring back what might be called the semblance of a human frame.

These corset builders have got what you would call a Herculean Task, as they really have to improve on nature. The same problem confronts them that does the people that run the subways in New York City. They both have to get so many pounds of human flesh into a given radius. The subway does it by having strong men to push and shove until they can just close the door with only the last man's foot out. But the corset carpenters arrive at the same thing by a series of strings.

They have what is known as the back lace. This is known as a one man corset.

Now the front lace can be operated without a confederate. Judiciously holding your breath, with a conservative intake on the diaphram, you arrange yourself inside this. Then you tie the strings to the door knob, and slowly back away. When your speedometer says you have arrive at exactly 36, why haul in your lines and tie off.

We have also the side lace. That is made in case you are very fleshy and need two accomplices to help you congregate yourself. You stand in the middle and they pull from both sides. This acts something in the nature of a vise. This style has been known to operate so successful that the victim's buttons have popped off their shoes.

Now, of course, not as many women wear corsets as used to, but what they have lost in women they have made up with men." WA #12, March 4, 1923


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