|Tuesday, November 27, 2001||ISSUE #207|
COLUMBUS: This war is getting more peculiar by the day. These Afghanis are unusual soldiers. We can't understand 'em. They fight hard for their side, sometimes for years, but if they see they are losing, they switch.
They say, "Yes, I know I was shooting at you five minutes ago, but you fellows ain't so bad. If it's alright, I'll join up with you boys and help you wipe out those no-good scoundrels."
We ain't seen nothing like it, except maybe among football fans. You've seen 'em. They like their team while they're winning, but let 'em lose a few games, and by golly they start cheering for another team. Except in Oklahoma. The Cowboys from Stillwater knocked the Sooners out of the race last weekend, but don't look for any Oklahoma fans to trade a schooner for a saddle.
The Marines are now in Afghanistan and the diplomats are meeting in Germany. That's a sure sign of war. If you didn't have a war before, either the Marines or the diplomats will dig one up for you.
The United Nations brought together a man from each of the various warring tribes to sit around a big table. All except the Taliban, which didn't have a man to spare.
They were looking for a quiet, peaceful site for the meeting and, of course, picked Germany which is known for its long history of peace... ranking right up there with Afghanistan.
America's role at the meeting is to teach them about politics, and serve as Treasurer. The first official vote will be on the motion, "There shall be everlasting peace in Afghanistan". We will find out how quickly they learn politics, because each Yes vote will cost about a Billion dollars. To be paid, naturally, by the treasurer. The everlasting peace will last as long as the money lasts.
Other than football, the big news in Oklahoma has been Phillips Petroleum, located in the metropolis of Bartlesville, buying Conoco, with its big refinery a few miles away at Ponca city, the cultural capital of the middle west. The shock came when they announced the headquarters would be moved lock, stock and barrel to Houston. Naturally folks figured they would expand right there at home, right where Waite Phillips got his start. And near where Lew Wentz and Mr. Marland made their millions with Conoco.
Now, there's nothing particularly wrong with Houston. All the other big oil companies are there. George and Barbara Bush live there. Except in summer when they move to Maine. Summers in Houston last about six months, and in Maine about six weeks, so each spring and fall they make a long, slow drive between 'em.
These Phillips folks won't get to leave Houston. They'll have to sweat it out. But as long as they sell us gas at a dollar a gallon, we won't care where they move, even to Norway.
This past holiday weekend the government was disappointed in us. They claim our shoppers did not spend enough at the malls. Lord knows they tried. They bought just as much as last year, but didn't spend as much.
See, for example, instead of paying $300 for a winter coat at Macy's or Marshall Field's they bought a coat just as warm at Wal-mart for a hundred fifty. These 100 million women swore an oath to support the economy, but they can't pass up a half-off sale.
Did you read in the papers about Utah's Governor? He wanted the Census to count all their Mormon missionaries around the world and add a Congressman. There's thousands of them and they do a wonderful service for the Lord wherever they are (that's missionaries, not Congressmen), and just think of the service they are providing Utah. By staying away from home it saves them the expense of supporting an extra Congressman.
According to the Census Bureau, North Carolina gets the extra Representative because they have 856 more people per Congressman than Utah. Now that's what really upset the governor. If the Census had given him a few months warning, why Brigham Young and his seventeen wives and all their descendants could have made up the shortfall.
At least Utah finally got snow. In the Winter Olympics they won't have to roller blade down those mountains after all.
Historic Quotes from Will Rogers:
"...Oklahoma, the Eden on this earth till something better turns up. I was privileged to prowl its vast domains, view its miraculous achievements, wonder at its unprecedented growth, mingle with its unmatched intellects. In other words it was just one round of a never to be forgotten experience. You just know when you cross the line into it there is something that tells you you are in another world." WA #204, November 7, 1926
"It's great to be friendly with a Foreign Nation, but it's terribly expensive. If the worst comes to the worst and we do have to be friends with any of 'em, why, (let's) pick out little ones that haven't got the nerve to ask for much." Saturday Evening Post, February 27, 1932
"Nobody knows anything about any Country, not even his own. The smartest Statesmen are the worst fooled when anything comes up right quick. I think a Country is harder to understand than a woman." WA # 418, December 28, 1930
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