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Tuesday, December 14, 2004 ISSUE #347
 

Will Rogers on Barry Bonds, Geragos and Cabinet Secretaries

# 347, December 14, 2004

COLUMBUS: Congress passed the Intelligence Bill. It says we are to hire 10,000 more men to guard the Mexican border, and one man to quarterback the entire security team. Of course I mean men or women; two men already turned down that intelligence czar position (Kerik and Lieberman), so it may be left to the women to protect this country.

They say we are to hire 10,000 border guards, but Congress authorized no money to pay them. So I don’t think this plan will work, if the only income these lookouts collect is what little they can earn in tips from the ones crawling under the fence.

My man, Zell Miller, is still in the running for Czar. He might get past the Senate committee screening because I doubt if he ever hired an illegal nanny. He’s liable to be a unanimous choice when they realize 10,000 full size cutouts of scowling Zell could safeguard our border better than unpaid sentries.

President Bush has had so many Cabinet secretaries resign, it makes you wonder if those folks heard the news that their guy WON.

We learned that Barry Bonds has been using steroids to hit all those home runs. Some fellow wrote a great line about Babe Ruth last week: if Bonds is powered by steroids, what powered Babe Ruth? Hot dogs.

If you think Bonds had a bad year, what about Mark Geragos. He got paid millions to defend Scott Peterson, drags the trial out to a year or more, won’t let him talk, and the jury finds him guilty and votes to hang him. Well, not hang him. This being California, the humane and civilized thing to do is leave him on death row for thirty or forty years, and hope he dies of old age before they inject him with a lethal dose of botox.

In terms of lawyering, it’s hard to do worse. Can you name any licensed attorney who wouldn’t have been just as successful, or even a plumber, and finished in a tenth the time? With his proven record of batting zero, I think we should put Geragos in charge of defending Saddam Hussein. The trial would drag on as long as the war.

We can kid Mr. Geragos, and with the kind of money he’s making he don’t mind some ribbing. We all know he did the best he could with the hand dealt him.

Historic quote from Will Rogers:

"In reading my Christmas good wishes and the morning Los Angeles paper found a long editorial seriously comparing our Christmas Day here to the one held in Bethlehem, Judea. In fact it kinder give us the best of it in the way of weather and natural resources over Christ's birthplace, and it rather insinuated that in case our Savior is to be born again, the Chamber of Commerce should get busy now and book the event amid ideal surroundings. Bethlehem may have had us beat on milk and honey, but I bet we use more cold cream here than they did, and we got some awful cheap orange marmalade. Then we can stage Moses' birth, too. We are short of bullrushes but we sho' got the bull, so buy your reduced-rate tickets for the modern Bethlehem." DT #1380, Dec. 25, 1930


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